


Battle of the Insults

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, Humor, Other, Out of Character, Parody, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-09
Updated: 2007-07-09
Packaged: 2018-09-30 10:36:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10161275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Welcome to the battle of the insults! Draco is the undefeated champion, will Hermione be a worthy opponent?  slightly ooc but very funny! one-shot





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

A/N: Hello all you wonderful people, I have prepared for your entertainment a funny, sexy one-shot that I hope you'll enjoy! 

Disclaimer: don't own it. 

It started off as a one time thing. Draco saying that he was better at insults than Harry and Harry accepting the challenge. All of the seven years gathered that Saturday night in the Room of Requirement which now resembled a boxing ring. It went on for about an hour... Harry and Draco hurling insults at one another, the crowd laughing and cheering. Finally, Draco emerged the victor, having insulted Harry's manhood in a way that made the students gasp in shock. 

"I win, Potter!" Draco shouted as Harry glared at him and left the ring. He laughed at his challenger's retreating back as Harry fled from the room, embarrassed and angry. "I am the champion! There is no one here who can beat me!" Draco grinned insolently at his fellow students. 

During the next week, everyone- including the Slytherins- agreed that someone needed to put Draco in his place. He was arrogant before and now he was just disgustingly egotistical and hard to be around. They went to Draco and demanded that he show up for a battle of insults this coming Saturday, he could pick the challenger. 

Draco smirked at them all, confident that he could uphold his title. "Fine I agree. Tell Weasley that I choose him, and that he better be prepared to loose." 

Ron was not very excited when he heard the news. "There is no way I can beat him! I can't think fast like that!" 

Harry and Hermione coached him, preparing him for Saturday. They thought he had a decent chance of winning, as long as he didn't let the insults get to him. Ron had anger issues when it came to Malfoy making fun of his family and they were hoping that Malfoy didn't stoop that low. 

Everyone crowded into the Room of Requirement, chatting excitedly and placing bets. Draco entered the ring and Blaise held up his arm. "I present to you, the Insult Champion, Draco Malfoy!" There were a few claps, but mostly there were boos and hisses.

 

"And now entering the ring, his challenger, Ron Weasley!" Blaise motioned towards Ron and the crowd cheered loudly. He looked around as if in a daze, tripped going over the ropes to the ring and finally faced Draco... who was grinning and rubbing his hands together in anticipation. 

Blaise whistled loudly and the room quieted down. "There are some rules we must go over." 

"Fuck the rules!" someone shouted. 

Blaise rolled his eyes and continued, "First, no wands!" There were boos and obscenities shouted. "Second, no physical contact. That means no hitting, slapping, tripping, kicking, pulling of hair, poking of eyes...etc." 

Draco grinned and said so loudly, "That doesn't really matter, does it Weasley because we all know for a fact that I could kick your ass." 

"Just shut the fuck up Malfoy and get ready to loose," Ron said and a loud cheer went up. 

"On the count of three, the battle begins," Blaise said. "One. Two. Three!" He headed towards the corner and waited with the rest of the spectators for the first insult to be hurled. 

Draco grinned at Ron. "Shall we make this a 'Yo Mama' round?" 

Ron's face fell. He was hoping that Malfoy didn't drag his family into this. What was he thinking? This WAS Malfoy, wasn't it? Of course he would insult his family. "Sure." 

Draco took off his cloak and threw it into the corner. He then walked a circle around the ring, his hands behind his back. Stopping right behind Ron, he said, "Your mama is so fat that she can't even jump to a conclusion!" 

Ron whirled around, his face the color of his hair. "I heard your mama got fired from her job at the sperm bank. Her boss caught her drinking on the job!" 

"OHHHHHHH!" the crowd said. 

Draco smiled, his straight white teeth gleaming. "Your mama is so fat, she has smaller fat women orbiting around her!" 

There were a few snickers and laughs.

 

"Oh yeah?" Ron said smiling back. "Your mother has wooden tits and breast feeds beavers!" 

Draco almost laughed at this, it was pretty funny. He controlled himself and responded. "You're mama's so fat... she's not on a diet, she's on a triet. She's like, 'whatever your having, I'll try it!'" 

Ron was getting upset, all this talk of his mother being fat was just wrong. "Your mama's so stupid that she threw a rock at the ground and missed!" 

Draco shook his head. "You're going down Weasley! Your mama's house is so dusty that the mice and roaches race around in dune buggies!" 

There was quite a bit of laughter from this insult and it boosted Draco's confidence. "Hit me with your best shot, Weasley!" 

Ron looked around, he was almost out of 'yo mama' insults and was beginning to panic. "Your mama has a body that won't quit and a brain that won't start!" No one laughed, it was dead silent. 

"That was just awful, Weasley," Draco said shaking his head and clicking his tongue. "Ready to get beat?" Draco took a breath and spewed line after line of insults about Ron's mother. "Did you know that flies were given wings so that they could beat your mama to the dump? Your mama is so damn fat that she deep fries her toothpaste! Your mama so ugly that your dad takes her to work with him everyday just so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye! You are so poor that you'd steal straw from your mama's kennel!" 

Ron was standing in the middle of the ring, the tops of his ears were blood red and his fists were clenched at his sides. He was going to explode at any second. "Shut up, Malfoy!!!!" he yelled. 

Draco laughed along with the crowd. "No fucking way, Weasley! Your mama's so ugly that the last time she got a piece of ass was when her hand slipped through the toilet paper! Your mama's so ugly that she makes blind kids cry!" 

Ron went berserk and ran for Draco, knocking him to the ground. He started pummeling the shit out of him. "Just shut up about my mum!" he screamed. 

Blaise ran towards them and managed to get Ron off of Draco, who was still laughing despite his black eye and bloody lip. He tossed the flailing Weasley out of the ring, where Harry caught him and then he pronounced Draco the champion. "Your winner! The undefeated Draco Malfoy!" he held up Draco's hand while in victory.

 

"That's right! Undefeated! No one can beat me!" Draco spotted Ron being led from the room by Harry and Hermione. "Hey Weasley! I apologize for talking about your mama. I should know better... hell, I don't even know the man!" 

Ron twisted out of Harry's grip and ran for the ring. Someone stuck out their foot and he went sprawling, falling flat on his face, breaking his nose. Draco just laughed and pointed. 

Later that night, Hermione sat in the Gryffindor Common Room, trying to think of someone who knew Draco well enough to insult him where it hurts. "Pansy!" she said, snapping her fingers.

 

"What?" Harry asked. 

Hermione got up from the chair and went over the portrait hole. "Pansy is the perfect person to put him in his place!" 

"You'll never get her to agree to it! She worships the ground he walks on!" Ron said. 

Hermione gave them a knowing look. "What you don't know is that he dumped her for someone else and she's out for his blood. I think she'll do it!"

 

"This time Draco, we are going to pick your oppenent." 

"That's fine with me," he said to Harry. "Bring it on!"

 

Pansy was definitely up for the challenge. Draco needed to be brought down a peg and she wanted to be the one to put the smug bastard in his place. Hermione gave her some books about insults she had acquired through the mail and wished her luck. 

Saturday, the room of Requirement was jam packed with not only seven years, but most of the six years as well. Ron, Harry, Ginny and Hermione pushed their way to the front and beheld Draco in the middle of the ring, richly dressed as always, his face a mask of absolute arrogance. 

Blaise entered the ring and everyone quieted down. "Tonight's match is different because Malfoy will be blindfolded until his opponent is in the ring. He does and will not know who he will be insulting until the battle begins. His opponent has had a few days to get their shit together and hopefully, they know what they're doing!" 

Blaise whipped out a black silk handkerchief and tied it around Draco's eyes, made sure he couldn't see and then motioned for Pansy to come forward. The room was as quiet as a rat pissing on cotton. 

Pansy strolled into the ring, fire burning in her eyes; she was ready for a fight. 

"May I introduce to you, the woman who has so courageously agreed to take on Draco Malfoy, the undefeated champion!" 

Draco scoffed when Blaise announced that it was a woman. The blindfold was ripped from his eyes and there stood his ex-girlfriend, looking very pissed off. 

"Pansy Parkinson!" Blaise shouted and the room erupted with cheering. "You both know the rules. On three. One. Two. Three!" Blaise left the ring and joined the rest of the Slytherins on the floor to watch the show. 

"Draco is better at sex than anyone I know. Now all he needs is a partner!" Pansy smiled sweetly at him. 

"Parkinson, you are so fucking ugly that if they threw you into the Black Lake, they could skim ugly for days!" He smiled back at her and winked. "Beat that, you whore!" 

Pansy chuckled and rolled her eyes. "Save your breath Malfoy, you'll need it to later to blow up your date!" 

The room erupted with whistles and clapping and someone shouted "You go girl!" 

Draco's face turned paler than usual, with bright pink splotches on his cheeks, His grey eyes flashed dangerously. "Can I borrow your face for awhile while my ass is on vacation?" he spat. Pansy opened her mouth to respond but Draco cut her off. "Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you're abusing the priviledge!" Draco walked right up to Pansy and got in her face. She tried to speak but he shushed her. "Shut up Parkinson. Talk is cheap, but then again, so are you. You disgusting slut! You're such a whore that you could suck the color out of a marble!"

 

Pansy burst into tears, called Draco a fucking prick, pushed him out of the way and ran from the room. Hermione ran after her, shooting Draco a filthy look over her shoulder. Draco strutted around the ring like he was cock of the walk. "Still undefetetd!" he shouted. 

Blaise climbed back into the ring and reluctantly announced Draco the winner. The boos and cuss words were so loud that he could barely be heard. 

"We have to do something!" Ron said, slamming his hand down on the table making all the chess pieces run for cover. "I don't think I can stand another day of him walking round with that big head of his!" Harry and Ginny agreed.

 

Hermione came through the portrait hole, looking flushed and out of breath. She was humming and looked extremely happy about something.

 

"What the bloody hell are you so happy about?" Ron asked.

 

She plopped down in the comfy chair by the fire and smiled at them. "I have taken care of everything." 

"What do you mean?" Harry asked. "Taken care of what?" 

"The Malfoy problem. I've decided to take him on this Saturday." 

"What!?" Ron just about shouted. "He'll kill you! It'll be 'Mudblood this and Mudblood that!" He looked to Harry and Ginny for support, but didn't get any. 

"I think it's a brilliant idea!" Harry said. "She's very smart, quick witted and hates him more than anyone I know! She'll definitely be the one to knock him off his high horse!" 

"Don't let anyone know it's going to be me, okay? Blaise is going to ask if anyone wants to come forward to take on Malfoy and that's when I'll enter the ring." 

"He's going to shit his expensive pants when he sees you!" Ginny laughed. 

Hermione wasn't the least bit nervous, causing Ron and Harry to wonder if she had gone daft or something. She sat in the common room, reading up on the art of insulting people and then would disappear for hours at a time, coming back right before her Patrolling shift. Harry and Ron wanted to know where she went and even discussed following her or looking at the map to check up on her. Ginny made them feel guilty about it, so they just sat in the common room and waited for her to return.

 

"Where are you disappearing to night after night?" Ron asked her as she came out of the girl's dorms, ready to Patrol the halls. 

"That is none of your business Ronald! Now if you'll excuse me, I have duties to perform and Malfoy is waiting for me." She started out of the portrait hole. 

"Malfoy!?" Harry said. "It's the night before the battle and you have to patrol with him?" 

Hermione smiled at her two best friends. "Don't worry, I'm looking at it from a research standpoint. Psychology plays a huge part in insulting someone, and I'm going to use this opportunity to see just what makes Malfoy tick. Hopefully I can find his weaknesses and exploit them to my advantage." 

"Good luck with that!" Harry said. 

They waited up for her, worried that Malfoy had done something to harm her. They were surprised when she came back flushed, her eyes dancing merrily... looking very happy about something. 

She jumped when she saw them sitting on the sofa. "You scared me!" she said, clutching her heart. "What are you doing still up?" 

"Waiting for you," Harry said. "We wanted to make sure you were all right." 

"I'm fine," she said, her eyes darting around nervously. "Nothing happened." 

"Nothing huh?" Ron asked, not believing her for a second. "Yeah right, this is MALFOY we're talking about!" 

"I said nothing happened!" Hermione snapped, her good mood dissipating. "Now I'm going to bed, I need all the rest I can get for tomorrow night!" She stomped up the stairs and slammed the door.

 

Ron and Harry just looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. They had given up on trying to understand her a long time ago. 

"Why are you not nervous?" Ron asked on the way to the Room of Requirement. 

"Because, Ronald, I know I'm going to win!" Hermione said with confidence. 

They entered the already packed room and this time they stood at the back with Ernie, Justin and Hannah. They were discussing who they thought was the surprise opponent. 

"It has to be a Ravenclaw! They're smart enough to beat him!" Ernie said. "Maybe it's Padma?" 

Hannah rolled her eyes. "That is the most absurd thing I've ever heard! He would chew her up and spit her out!" 

"Who do you think it is?" Justin asked Hermione. 

"I think we're about to find out, here comes Blaise!" Hermione said, her heart pounding in her chest. 

"Welcome to the third round of 'The Battle of the Insults'!" 

"Is that what we're calling it now?" Ron said, amused. 

"May I introduce to you, our champion... he's blond, he's witty and his attitude is shitty... the one the only... Draco MAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLFFFFFOOOOYYY!!!!" 

This time absolutely no one cheered for him, except for Crabbe and Goyle, who had made a sign that read 'Drako is are hearoh!' 

"And now... for the contender! She's crafty, she's smart and she's definitely not a tart... may I introduce ..." 

Everyone held their breath. Draco craned his neck to look through the crowd. 

"HEEEEERRRMMMIONEEEEEE GRRRRRRRAANNNGEEEEEERRRRR!!!" 

There was silence and shock at first, but then the crowd parted and cheered as she made her way up the ring. People slapped her on the back and wished her luck. Bets were made and smiles were traded. 

She climbed through the ropes and faced Draco, who was grinning from ear to ear.

 

"So Granger, it's you." 

"Yes, Malfoy, it's me." 

"Prepare to get your ass beat, Mudblood." 

"On the contrary, ferret face, I think it's you who is about to get his ass beat... and by a Mudblood!" 

The fans were going nuts, shoving to get to the front so that they could hear better. 

"The rules are... there are no rules, anything goes!" Blaise slipped out of the ring. "One. Two. Three!" 

"If I wanted to battle a bitch, Granger, I would have brought a dog!" 

Hermione covered her mouth and yawned. "Keep talking, you Pure Blood ass, I always yawn when I'm interested." She lowered her hand slowly and slowly walked towards him, smiling. 

"Hold still, Mudblood. I'm trying to picture you with a personality!" Draco smirked as Hermione came to a sudden stop. 

"You are so conceited that your eyes behold each other perfectly," Hermione said, standing her ground as Draco now walked in a circle around her. 

"You're lucky to be born beautiful, Granger, unlike me, who was born a big liar!" 

There were a few laughs at this, but mostly, everyone was still waiting for it to really get good. 

"Tell me, Malfoy, if your parents got divorced, they would still be brother and sister, right?" 

People did laugh now and Ron shouted, "Ain't that the truth baby!" 

Draco frowned, his eyes crackled dangerously. "You're going to pay for that one, Granger." He walked up to her and glared in her face. "You're quite the bitch today, who lit the fuse on your tampon?" 

Hermione blushed deeply. Talking about women's natural body functions was always embarrassing for her. There were some ooohhhs and chuckles from the guys in the audience and the girls either looked murderous or uncomfortable. 

Hermione shook it off and quickly came back strong. "I like your teeth, Malfoy, too bad they're brighter than you are!" 

"Oh yeah, Granger? You're teeth are so yellow that when you close your mouth, your eyes light up!" 

People were now laughing as the two enemies tossed insult after insult at each other, neither one giving a hint of quitting. 

"You, Draco Malfoy are so skinny that you could hang glide on a tortilla chip!" 

Draco was getting angrier by the second. "Granger you are so narrow minded that when you walk your earrings knock together!" 

"Malfoy, you are absolute proof that stupid people should not breed!" 

"You have such a striking face, Mudblood. Tell me, how many times were you struck?"

 

"Damn this could go on forever!" Ron said to Harry.

 

"He's close to cracking, I can see it!" Ginny said excitedly. 

"At least I have friends, Malfoy! If I killed everyone who hated you, it wouldn't be murder, it would be genocide!" 

Draco's lips were pressed together so tightly that they were white. Sweat was running down his face and he knew this was the end.

 

"I know you like me Granger, I can see your tail wagging!" He blew her a kiss and smirked at her. "The only reason you're doing this is because I turned down your offer for sex last night!" 

The crowd became dead silent. Hermione was shocked for a moment, but recovered almost instantly. She slowly walked up to Draco and looked up at him. She reached out and grabbed his balls, squeezing as hard as she could. "I would rather staple my cunt shut than have sex with you, you vile piece of petrified poodle shit!" 

Draco's mouth hung open in an 'o' and he tried desperately to pry her hands off but it only made her squeeze harder. "Do you give up?" she asked. 

"No!" he said, painfully. She tightened her death grip on his nuts. 

"Do you give up?" she said more sternly. 

"Yes!" he managed to squeak out. "You win! Now let go of my balls!" 

Hermione released him and he fell over in the fetal position, his face turning purple. 

The crowd went wild as Blaise scrambled into the ring and announced her the new champ. 

Hermione stepped down and was carried out on the shoulders of her friends. An impromptu party was held in the Gryffindor Common Room which was attended by every six and seven year, regardless of what House they were in. 

After about an hour, Hermione slipped out unnoticed and made her way back to the Room of Requirement. 

"Took you long enough!" 

"Sorry," she said, her eyes trying to adjust to the darkness. Suddenly, the room lit up with what seemed like a thousand candles. She looked around in awe, a pair of strong gentle arms embraced her from behind. "It's beautiful!" she said, seeing the bed with the white satin sheets in the middle of the room. 

"Never accuse me of not being romantic, Granger. Now I do believe that we have a score to settle?" He turned her around crushed her to his chest. 

"What was the deal again, Malfoy? I can't seem to remember..." She ran her hands over his hard muscular back, raking her fingernails over his tender flesh. 

"You said that if I agreed to loose, you would make it worth my while." He tangled his fingers into her wild hair, pulling her head back so that her soft white throat was exposed. "You promised." 

"I did huh?" she said breathlessly as he sucked and licked at her neck, sending shock waves of pleasure through her body. "I never break a promise." She pulled away from him and led him to the bed by his belt loop. She sat down, keeping him standing in front of her. "It's a good thing that wasn't real tonight," she said, reaching for his belt, undoing it and pulling it out by her teeth. She unzipped his pants and slid her hand inside. "I would hate to think that I had mortally injured this glorious cock of yours." 

Draco's eyes slid shut in utter ecstasy as Hermione released his aching cock from it's prison and slid it into her hot wet mouth. She swirled her tongue around his shaft, sucking and scrapping her teeth just enough to cause that feeling of pleasure that bordered on pain. He grabbed her by the hair and fucked her mouth until he was on the edge of an explosion. 

Hermione removed him from her mouth and pulled him down onto the bed. He kissed her, his lips crashing down on hers with total abandon. His hands slipped under her skirt and he moaned, finding that she had no knickers on. Hermione arched her back as his fingers slipped inside her.

 

With his other hand, he ripped off her shirt and attacked her nipples with his mouth, sucking so hard that she almost screamed. His fingers slid in and out until she was begging him to stop. 

Draco rolled onto his side, took the rest of his clothes off, and then went back to ravishing her. He got onto his knees, put his hands under her ass and lifted her so that her legs were spread wide. He leaned down and gave her pussy a few long slow licks that made her moan. 

Hermione grabbed his golden hair, twisting it in her fingers as she ground herself into his face as she climaxed. He sucked her clean, positioned his cock and thrust hard and deep inside of her. 

She hooked her legs around him, grabbing his ass and screaming for him to fuck her harder. She came first, scratching at his back and shaking as her second orgasm racked her body. 

He spilled violently into her, groaning and thrusting, finally collapsing on her. Their hot sweaty bodies lay intertwined, both breathing heavily, their eyes closed in exhaustion. 

After a bit, Hermione got dressed, Draco watching her from his spot on the messy bed. 

"That was the most amazing sex I've ever had, Granger." 

Hermione stood up from buckling her shoe, smiled at him sweetly and said, "I've had better," she said, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "Ron was a thousand times better, his dick is much bigger than yours." She winked at him, turned and left. 

Draco just lay there, staring at the ceiling, feeling like a fool. "That was the ultimate insult." 

the end... remember, this was meant to be fun. I know Hermione is very OOC, but what the hell...


End file.
